Risk it all but do not risk cheating on your boda guy…
Be steady. In Uganda, everyone is cheating on someone or something. Cheating is how Uganda fails, how it works. Schools are cheating, employees are cheating, bosses are cheating (did you get your salary increment?). We are all playing ping pong. Although we have no business with what people do with their lives, there are some types of people you do not want to risk cheating on. If you must cheat on these people, do it with a sure reason, one that cannot be challenged in the public court.
- Do not cheat on your barber
This is the first rule of an adult man. A boy only becomes a man when he finds this one barber whom he chooses to settle with. If a man is not loyal to his barber, then he is loyal to nothing in this life. Such a man should not be trusted with any responsibility. On the day you cheat on your barber, you will know that bumps can be bumps. You will know that all along your hair was not made with a special touch, it is at the mercy of the gods. Cheat not on thy barber!
- Do not cheat on your boda guy
One of the hidden secrets of every Ugandan woman is their boda guy. Ugandan women have a special bond with their boda guy. If you eavesdrop on a call with a Ugandan woman and her boda guy, you will be lost for words. “Ashraf banange, you mean today you will not get me ice cream?”
But seriously, what does your boda guy have to do with ice cream? Why is it your boda guy to pick your party dress? There is no place that a Ugandan woman has been to, that is not known to her boda guy. Boda guys swear an oath of silence to their customers. No amount of money can bring them to drop hints. But risk not cheating on your boda guy. Because on that day, you will learn that the price of fuel increased years ago, that running errands is not as fast as they always project it. When you are loyal to the boda guy, they will treat you like family. You will get to that stage of the relationship where you cannot tell who owes the other.
- Do not cheat on your washing bay attendant
Some of us learnt the hard way. Whenever I cheat on my ‘kanaabe’ dude and go missing for weeks, he hikes the price the next time I appear. “Boss, engine is dirty, I do not know who has been handling the car, but all the chairs are stained.”
The ‘kanaabe’ will criticise the work of other ‘kanaabes’. And to drive the point home, he will charge me arrears for all the weeks of no-show. I have since then learnt to be a regular.
To show up every weekend, because it makes no difference, I will always be fined for missing in action. And when you are loyal to the ‘kanaabe’, expect services such as a T.Cut at no extra cost.
- Do not cheat on your plug
It is hard finding a reliable plug. Always keep your plug a secret. As much as you should not cheat on your plug, never cast your plug freely to those seeking his or her services. You must keep your plug close to your chest. Do not cheat on your plug, do not give out your plug. Your plug is your plug.
Anyone who needs the services of your plug should always go through you. That is how you ensure continuity in the industry of plugs. Never cheat on your plug, never let them know that you cheated on them. That will be the beginning of poor services.
Plugs are emotional. They want to be assured that it is only them in your life, then they will move the extra mile. A happy plug will show up at any time of the day, regardless of the weather conditions. The day you cheat on your plug, he will start excuses of ‘I am too far. I am out of stock. I travelled”, or worse, throw you to an upcoming plug.
- Do not cheat on your sure
If you have a sure, I mean a place where you are assured of the right service at the right time at the right price. Be loyal to that sure. Be loyal to your sures. Be loyal to the guy at work who always gives you a lift back home. Be loyal to their rickety car.
Just because Martha of Nansana bought a new car is not a reason for you to shift loyalties. Show some loyalty to Tom, pretend to still be enjoying his car that needs a jumpstart every moment.
Be loyal to that side hustle, never abandon your side hustle. If you used to bring pancakes to work, there is no reason to stop delivering those just because you have now joined TikTok. Keep bringing those pancakes, you are the reason Bernard in Marketing is surviving through January.
Do not cheat on your side dish. There is a reason the kinyebwa is always placed on the matooke. Just because they are serving beef as the main dish does not mean you close an eye to the kinyebwa. The sides bring beauty to the centres.
Finally, do not cheat on the people that control the lower offices. Do not cheat on the askari, soon you will be stranded at the gate. Do not cheat on the tea lady, you may dread their chapatis, but eat them with love. Do not cheat on the secretaries, you never know when you run out of printing paper. Cheat on everything else in this world but avoid cheating on these categories. You shall forever have peace in life. When Kampala is being hit by storms from the Pretty Nicole hurricane to the Gashumba Tornado and now the NSSF storm, you will be calm all through. Lest you cry ‘gakyali mabaga!’ as our friends of the Jubileewo lot!
Twitter: ortegatalks
