Faking it: One day, motivational speakers said; “fake it, till you make it”. But they did not clarify to people that there is a stark difference between faking life and forcing life. Several people are forcing life in Kampala, and the earlier they accept, the better for us all. We understand we all want to live a better life, we want to project ourselves better than the man next door, but at what cost?
- Ugandans who eat sushi
Now, I have nothing against Japanese cuisine, but there is no way I am about to be convinced that there is something about sushi that should excite a Ugandan born and bred on these streets. How does a one Nansikombi, groomed in Namasuba develop a rare taste for sushi? Mere sushi that you have seen at the age of 30?
If this is not a sign of forcing life, then you need deliverance from these demons. We understand the need to appear refined and different in the city. But we know you Sharon, we have eaten rolexes together, you know nothing about sushi neither can you convince us that you are killing an entire evening just for sushi.
- Chaps who drop names during conversations
It is not a crime to not have a gamba n’ogu, it is not a crime to not talk about the big people you know. Yes, I understand you know the king of Yoruba, but why on earth would you be reminding us about your camaraderie with him in every conversation. Yes, I am talking to you Benja, why do you have to tell us about how you sat in that meeting with Magambo when he got promoted to Major? Yes, it is fine that on one rare evening you shared a table with a bank MD. But stop exaggerating matters. You do not know the MD that closely. Just because he replies your WhatsApps once in a month, it does not mean that you are buddies. Because one day, one day we are going to ask you to connect us and you will look speechless.
To the chaps who have become photo collectors, taking a photo with every important person in the country, importance is not visually transferred. We shall still judge you by the weight of your wallet. We do not care if Birungi is from your village, we just wonder why you have not moved from your Passo?
- Ugandan men who plait hair
Now, there is nothing wrong plaiting hair in this country. Grow your hair, plait it, do whatever you please. However, there is a class of Ugandans for whom plaiting hair means that they have suddenly left the country and are living somewhere on Lindengracht street in Amsterdam.
It is not a crime to have an artsy lifestyle, but if that is going to mean turning up in some dirty shoes, some rugged jeans, in the hope that we could mistake you for an enlightened White man, sorry to say; ‘you’re forcing life in the city’.
- Chaps who take photos next to their cars then mask the number plates
You must choose one struggle between a quest for our attention and your assumed desire for privacy. You cannot have both, Gloria. And stop claiming you want privacy. You still want our validation, you want us to congratulate you on the new car, you want us to know that finally the witches in your village have released you. If you want privacy for your car, then let it not feature in the photos. But we all know, that is not what you want.
In Uganda, acting like you want privacy has become a new way of signaling that you are somehow important and have arrived. But private people do not post on their Whatsapp statuses. They do not take photos of their car. But why on earth would you hide the number plate of a Sienta? What are you hiding my Vanessa? No one is going to cram your number plate. Please force your life in peace!
- The crew that whines about fake friends
Now, just because you were sick and none of us called you, does not mean we are fake friends. Perhaps, you are the fake friend. Dear Lucy, everyone is busy battling their lives. Get out of the spotlight effect, life does not rotate around you. If people are not calling, pick up the phone and check on them. Why should it be the world to check on you, to sacrifice for you? Stop forcing your life on us. We shall live how we see fit, and we shall not apologise.
- Faux-wine adorers of Uganda
There is an association in Uganda that desires things in which it has the most ignorance. When we were younger, the elders always warned us about the dangers of little knowledge. Now that we are older, we are facing those dangers from the faux-wine adorers of Uganda. The crew that claims to only take wine and nothing else.
Well, everyone has a right to their drink choices. But? When your choice of wine comes down to just a group of cousins, be it four or five of those cousins, then you are at the cusp of forcing life in the city. At least fake around with a Cabernet Sauvignon, but not another group of cousins. But what were you even drinking before wine happened to you?
- Ugandan TikTok celebrities
We understand fame is a prison, but then, it should not get you forcing life. Do you not tire looking for picturesque scenes? Do you not tire acting like memes when you are invited to events? Yes, TikTok celebrity, no one is coming to ask for your autograph, there is no need sucking in your stomach while outside. There is no need forcing yourself to get an Uber when a boda boda could do.
We understand most Ugandan brands cannot pay you enough to live that exotic lifestyle. We understand you have become celebrities and are still broke. Don’t kill yourself now! And what’s this idea of TikTok celebrities and that new hotel in Nakasero? Anyway, we shall be here for you as you force life on these streets!
- Motivational speakers
Now not to discredit the few genuine motivational speakers and coaches in this country, but there is a class of people that takes it beyond the mile. Okay, what motivation are you trying to give? Cars are hitting potholes every second, men are struggling to eat their packed breakfast in offices, what’s the learning?
The problem of Ugandan motivational speakers is that they have wings but no feet, imagination but no reality. And when a man without a handkerchief offers to lecture you about how to use one, look once again, lest they steal your handkerchief. Dear motivational speaker, go work on your own life, go flex in peace, but we are not about to start poultry farms with a chicken feather.
To be continued….
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