SWAMP WATER: Last Sunday, my little sister decided to sponsor the two big brothers to a lunch fest. And what better place than a restaurant that has range, from Indian to Thai to continental. I am always the Indian guy. I have never gone wrong with anything Indian. But for a change, I decided to go Thai. My sister assured me beyond doubt that I could not go wrong with the green curry. And well, if it has chicken and rice, you really cannot go wrong. But the signs were there and I was ignoring them…
SC Villa fans can now celebrate loudly. PHOTO | EDDIE CHICCO
When you are out of the country, you realise there exists a Ugandan accent. You never know how it sounds until someone tries to mimic it. From all the mimicries I have heard, the Ugandan accent is passive, and servile. It is not the kind of accent that could win in a negotiation. But that is a sermon for another day.
Let me first indulge you about last Sunday. Last Sunday, my little sister, aka the Tiny girl (that is her name) decided to sponsor the two big brothers to a lunch fest. And what better place than a restaurant that has range, from Indian to Thai to continental. I am always the Indian guy. I have never gone wrong with anything Indian. But for a change, I decided why not? Why not enter Thai? There could be a secret in that land.
But I was not going to enter Thai blindly. I sought the expert opinion of the sponsor. ‘Wama what can I pick off the Thai menu?’ Tiny assured me beyond doubt that I could not go wrong with the green curry. And well, if it has chicken and rice, you really cannot go wrong. But the signs were there. I was ignoring them. I could have told from the waitress’ tight face that there was no good coming out of my meal.
The drinks arrive. All perfect, I am enjoying my Tropical Lust. If the drink is on point, the food will even be sharper. My side plate was prepared in advance, I even bragged. And then the food arrived. People, I almost cried when I saw the green curry. It was Armageddon. So Big Brother, aka Senkulu, argues that he is looking forward to a surprise. Mbu we cannot judge the taste from the look. Forget it people! Not with food. Everyone is there enjoying their dish and I was there scooping into my green curry. From then onwards it was nicknamed ‘swamp water.’ But swamp water is even thicker, this was as watery as they come. There was nothing to taste, just me putting up a show of strength. After all, I am a circumcised man, what’s mere swamp water? Our ancestors fought bigger battles.
If only the waitress’ attitude could help the day. She was cold and unconcerned as they come. She swaggered across the tables in a way that prevented anyone from calling her for service. She was disinterested in the affairs of the day. But then Tiny forced me to tip. The Nkokonjeru in me did not agree to this. But who am I to oppose the young Princess? I tipped through skull and spine. Yes people, I tipped for my swamp water and rickety service.
As we signed out, I decided to play serious Ugandan and checked on the third party insurance. The thing had expired. Then I was also blessed with the car tickets, they had attracted a surcharge. Then I checked and saw the proposed budget for the upcoming financial year. Like okay, I know Cheza for Jesus was chezad but life has also been daring some cheza with me. Anyway, I placed my swamp water blame on the recommender. To make up for the disappointment, she took me to that ka Kololo hill place, the one better known for its views, pancakes, and waffles. I picked something with chocolate. There was no way I was going wrong twice. You cannot go wrong with chocolate. And just like that, I broke the cycle of swamp water.
Now that I am battle-hardened, I am open to fighting bigger wars. Ehhh, did I also tell you that Uganda Airlines has become such a serious Airline. It leaves on time; it lands on time. And it has full bookings. As always, I sit by the emergency area, and they kept asking me to swear allegiance to the responsibilities that come with this seat. I swore. But then I was disappointed, these people have started hiding the ka Waragi. What rule dictates that waragi cannot be served on the morning flight? But then I could not keep complaining, these were small matters. My ka-airline is now adhering to schedule, it can still afford to give me a croissant and I am meeting many friends that work here. Kale they now do not even remember that I am the one that complained about the delays. Now they just be showing off, saying; ‘what say you gwe ka Ortega?’ Ebiseera ebyo, ani atabalaba!
Anyway, since Uganda Airlines is winning big, my only sports club, aka SC Villa brought home the 17th championship. If I had needed a sign, this was it. I know this is a sign of greater things to come. Like me waking up one day and my girlfriend shows no more interest in money. Banange nothing is selling in Kampala like the Villa brand. As an SC Villla fan, you cannot undergo a security check. You do not queue. Kwegamba Jogoo is now ejoogo. Okay, I was about to dare the editor of this column naye munange where else will I eat. But Rosie Baby, ffe abaana ba SC Villa we are Ssalongos… even that ki-cartoonist is a Jogoo!
Twitter: ortegatalks
