Who needs humps when we have potholes.
HERE AGAIN: From the people who were attacking the week and at the same time ending it on Monday, to the bisaati trend, 2023 was some some roller coaster and here we look at some of the things that kept us talking and also left us in awe. Will they go with the year though?
This year is closing, albeit in style. It is in this same year that Jajja Ichuli was assassinated. It is in the same year that Sobi has also closed off on the ‘frontline.’ When Antony gave a speech at Caesar’s funeral, he noted that; “the evil that men do lives after them; the good is oft interred with their bones.” The rest people, read between the lines. We are moving on to the most important event of the year, our annual awards.
First, we want to thank the sponsor of the awards, a one Boss Baby, for allowing us once again to hold these precious awards. Unlike our friends in the corporate world who have been subjected to the same Christmas hamper. You know that ka-hamper, always sugar, always rice, always cooking oil and a ka-bar of soap. But HR people ani alibasonyiwa? Not forgetting the end of year parties. The bosses declare an open bar kumbe they want to extract the real feedback. Poor Moses will drink, go hugging the boss and spilling the beans; ‘naye Boss, what’s with you and the tea girl?’ Anyway, let us leave corporate troubles to corporate people. Us, we are off to the awards.
- Kajanja of the Year.
International Schools. In 2023, there was a disease that sprung up, the idea that you could add international to anything and then sell it as a school. Gone are the days when international schools were a rarity. Now anything with some rare uniform and some rare curriculum counts as an international school. You know Ugandans they move like ducks, once one moves in one direction, they all follow suit. And what is with those billboards, for some reason, the black complexion is not always there. Kwegamba it must always be a ka-light skin. But if we survived the Malaysia University trend, we shall also survive this one.
- Employee of the Year.
Tunyuke. If you belonged to this Tunyuke Union, you have walked away as the employee of the year. But please be warned, these things are not impressing your manager. How does the week refuse as early as Monday? The thing is your manager should never see you prospering. Never show signs of happiness while at work. Ugandan bosses love to see their juniors suffering. We have given you the award Mr. Tunyuke but 2024, we shall not tolerate!
- Personality of the Year.
Nalongo Kyakwera. She has been the most hardworking Uganda in 2023. This award almost went to Madam Na-debts but we could not risk the wrath of Nalongo. You know Nalongo’s moods can sway either way. Recently she got excited and released motor vehicles for the previous speakers. Nalongo has brought discipline to the house. Nalongo gave us twins. Nalongo brought us Afcon. Nalongo had the trending house of the year. Nalongo has been our everything. Ffe twagala Nalongo oba mufa mufe!
- Fashion of the Year.
Ekisaati. Okay my sweet friend Sheillah Gash was meant to win this award. But I could not express in words her fashion style. Is it a dazzle nipolo? Chinese Marilyn Monroe? In that confusion, that is how the award got to the people of bisaati. Okay, the only problem with ekisaati is that it evokes many feelings and reactions. Sometimes a kisaati person could be mistaken for high budget kifeesi. And sometimes, someone may low-key think that Riham is on a team building session.
- Business of the Year.
Stabex. The fact that there is no Stabex in Naalya shows that Naalya is still that dope place. It may have the highest massage parlours per capita but it has not fallen to the Stabex kamunguluze. If you are lost in Uganda, always look for the nearest Stabex. One of the reasons you should travel to your villages this festive season is to confirm your ka-land still exists. In this confusion, you could find a ka-Stabex.
- Innovation of the Year.
Potholes. Kale I never knew that this President was an innovator. The thing that Uganda has achieved with potholes, no country has ever imagined. You know with one pothole; you can feed a million families. Potholes create jobs. A job for the mechanic. A job for the guy who supplies the soil and debris for filling. A job for the MP. A job for Kasyate. Spokespersons need topics. For Kasyate, he is always sorted. Potholes also give free massages. Potholes act as speed deterrents. We do not need humps when we have potholes. And even for General MK, he got something to inspect.
- Battle of the Year.
Iphone versus Nokia. This was the battle of a lifetime. Iphones have a way of disappointing at the last minute. They are like Ugandans with German cars. You will make a programme, decide on a destination. At the last minute, guy will tell you mbu his car is missing a spare and he has just sent someone from Dubai to come with it. Why do we buy cars we cannot maintain my people? And for iphone people, why do you over-protect the ka phone?
- Bonus Awards, aka Kayoola.
Special recognition goes to the Fire of the Year, aka City House Fire, although it was poorly reported in the media. The headline should have read; ‘Fire guts City Butchery.’ 2023 was the year when Mzee Kags never tired of telling us how ADF is finished. Okay, in 2023, there was the Alien Skin, then the infamous bill. And for yours truly, 2023 took one of his great friends. May your soul rest in eternal peace Christopher Ntege.
Twitter: ortegatalks
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