They hit aerobic classes, then halted everything.
Hustle after hustle: In Uganda, we are guilty of every crime, but we plead innocent to just one crime; ‘inability to try’. We try everything. We try boutiques. We try vanilla farming. We shall try snail-farming. If tomorrow a report was produced that there is gold in potholes, there would be a pothole rush. We are in for everything.
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The old man in the hat thinks we are lazy, but not too lazy so as not to try. What have we not tried as Ugandans? We even tried COWE! Remember my friends? We went into an okra frenzy. Now we have entered full swing in Hass. Hass has become the new pine.
For this same reason, ‘weight positive’ Ugandans have taken this trial journey to ‘weight loss’. Weight loss is the new struggle. Well, it is always the new struggle at the start of every year. 2023 could be the year when the struggle bears some fruit.
1.Team foodie
The problem with Team Weight Loss is that Ugandans have cool ways of getting away with things. In Uganda, we do not have a food problem, we do not eat too much, we are just foodies. The Team that punches its way into Komamboga, the team that flexes at Kyadondo, is all united by one spirit; “the foodie spirit.” And that my friends is where all the problems start.
What exactly do you people mean when you say you are foodies? Is your hobby food? Your passion food? The first element of the struggle is to drop this foodie frenzy. No more identifying as foodies. I am talking to my banker friends. For some rare reason, every bank teller is a foodie. It is one area where Ugandan banks have scored. Banks revolutionised the snack business. If banks closed tomorrow, Uganda would flood with food.
- Team cheat day
I cannot tell which clever person invented the idea of a ‘cheat day.’ That one day where one is permitted to indulge, to spoil oneself with reckless abandon. To pick up their favourite ice cream, to go for that red velvet. There is just one fix, once you start cheating, you just cannot stop. It is a trap.
It starts with a cheat minute, then a cheat day, to a cheat week, then a month. By the time you wake up, you will have declared a cheat year. If there is one rule to every journey; ‘don’t cheat.’ Do not cheat. At all costs, do not cheat. One cheat session will always call for another session. But who am I to preach to Ugandans about cheating? It is probably in our DNA.
- Weighing fanatics
There is a tendency for Ugandans to over-prepare, to over-plan. For Ugandans in this struggle, the tendency is to keep measuring their weight. Really? A Ugandan will work-out for a few minutes, then run to the weighing scale. Unless you are seeking the prophetic miracles of car-can-day, there is nothing like fast results in the struggle. Look at all struggles in the world, struggles are usually protracted. Measure nothing. Just work and work. The body will measure itself, so says the fitness coaches. But trust Ugandans to look for distractions in the struggle. They will invest time in ordering the best weighing scale via Amazon, and invest in photography for the ‘Before’ photos. A year down the road, there is no ‘after’ photos to showcase. What happened Daylan? What happened to all the theories?
- Gym membership
By the time you read this, most gym subscribers were last seen weeks ago by their gym trainer. They were regular the first week. They went full throttle on every equipment. They hit the treadmill, did the aerobic classes, then halted everything on one special weekend. Now, the only time they interact with their trainer is via WhatsApp. The gym trainer has self-appointed himself a motivational coach every morning and evening to remind Mama Cloe about the work-out sessions. Gym trainer has even offered the mobile/home package. And if you are reading what I am writing, you will soon know how it ends. Aluta Continua…
- The social media addicts
The problem with the struggle is that it is super-televised. As the social media haters, we shall spread all the negative energy. We shall drain the energy out of the weight-loss struggle. We shall remind you of all the past years when you tried and failed. Because in 2014, you took us at this speed, and here we are in 2023 facing off the same speed. What happened? The best of struggles are silent. Yes, struggle and suffer in silence. Lose that weight in silence. Follow the Gungas adage; “be seen, not heard.’ Show us, do not tell us. Let’s be the ones asking; “Ologera wa? Okikola otya?’
Do not scare us with a few videos pushing around rubber tyres, pulling ropes, and punching in air with splashes of snapchat filters. You are setting yourself up for failure. Nothing great ever gets built in the public domain. Even your NSSF money will not be eaten publicly. Silence is the language of the gods. Silence is the language of the struggle. We are all in the struggle with you, for some of us, our struggles are about all the times when we have pushed doors that clearly asked us to pull…
NB: This piece is dedicated to all the hajjats, slay mamas, corporate resolution setters, and influencers in the weight loss struggle. The year is still fresh, you can still make it. Even Kony met his father-in-law!
Twitter: ortegatalks
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