The most dramatic is their exit… always sneaking out
Summer time: The festive season is here and the baSummer are upon us. Our great brothers and sisters from the diaspora have come for holidays. From Team Sangoma in South Africa, to Team Kadama in the Middle East, all the way to Team Accent from Europe, Kampala is full to the brim with some dollars, some riyals, dirhams, and pounds. When all is said and done, can you tell that someone is a muSummer from word go? Can you decipher something about the muSummer personality? The answer is ‘Yes’. A muSummer will always be a muSummer.
There is always that one thing that gives away a Ugandan who has lived abroad. No matter how much he may try to disguise it, there will always be clues.
- The conversations
BaSummer have this illness that teaches them to disassociate from Kampala and Uganda in general. They stop identifying as Ugandans. As such, all their conversations are about comparisons. They are the experts when it comes to hospitals in Lund, they will tell you about the roads in Berlin. Somehow, they are in shock that the Kampala potholes have been growing faster than Uganda’s GDP.
BaSummer always plead ignorant when it comes to names and nouns. They do not know that nsenene means grasshoppers. They will usually flap their hands and say; “how much as the buflappers?” If they eat the packed gonja, they will call it ‘crunchies’. Everything is okay until you try to cheat a muSummer. The only thing baSummer never forget is money. BaSummer will count that money to the last coin. If you want to bring a muSummer back to Uganda, forget to give them change. You will see wahala in the House of Kaine.
Then the lies, the promises, the pledges. After every statement, a muSummer will always make a pledge. A muSummer will always promise something. They will always promise to send an invitation or promise to work on your ‘things’ before they fly out.
- The gifts
BaSummer love to gift. What do baSummer see in T-shirts? What do they see in phones? What do they see in perfumes? BaSummer assume that the locals walk around naked and that the locals will worship everything and anything they are gifted. Why on earth would a muSummer call someone in the wee hours of the night to announce their arrival? ‘Hey Ian, I returned, I am on this side of Nakawuka. Get a boda, I brought your gifts’. Poor man, you will jump on a boda boda first thing in the morning. You will pack goodies such as nsenene, odii and every other delicacy fancied by the muSummer. Only for the muSummer to surprise you with two V-neck T-shirts.
And the muSummer will expect you to jump in the air, in full appreciation of their gifting spirit. Danzel, really? You expect us to celebrate these two T-shirts? The ones you bought in the duty-free shop on discount? Do you know the cost of a boda? And why don’t baSummer stay closer to town for goodness sake? Why hide at an uncle’s place in Nakawuka?
Also be warned that once you receive a gift from a muSummer, you swear 100 percent loyalty. A muSummer will always expect you to show up when needed. There is nothing free in the world of a muSummer. You will be at a family function and a muSummer will kick off the conversation; “Kale Ortega, singa you wore that other shirt I got you, it would be matched well’. And do not get us started on phones. Because baSummer and phones. For some reason, a muSummer will never get you a popular brand. It is always some funny brand name unrecognisable on the face of the universe.
- Social life
BaSummers love a good party. For baSummer, they assume there is nothing like people going to work in Uganda. A muSummer will expect to parte from Monday to Monday without stop. BaSummers also have this assumption that things are cheap in Uganda. That Ugandan cars consume water and air, not fuel. That Ugandan bosses should recognise baSummer are in the country and go slow on the relatives and friends of ‘baSummer.’
Then the men and women, especially from the States. They have these funny baggy jeans. What’s up with oversized things? What point are you trying to prove? Why the need to take up too much space? At least the kadamas have focused on buckets of make-up. The Sangomas have focused on expensive drinks and cars. But baSummer from the states. Something never adds up.
For a muSummer, it is a crime to visit the same hangout place twice a week. Every day must have its own journey plan. If yesterday you partied along Bunga, today the muSummer will want the feel of Najjera.
- The wallet
A muSummer will always run broke in the first week. She will cause inflation in the first days of her arrival. She will visit every living thing that identifies as a relative or friend. Then she will retreat from the visiting routine. She will find one permanent place that will act as the receiving point. When she runs out of money, she will stop announcing her presence. Then there will be that final week when she will try to make a statement. A muSummer always saves some money for her investments and sponsorships.
The most dramatic of moments is the exit. There is never a loud exit for a muSummer. Everything is always undercover. All baSummer have this tendency of sneaking out of the country. One moment you are eating ‘kigere’ with a muSummer, the next moment, you see them live streaming from the streets of Manchester. Then you wonder, what happened to Nancy? What happened to all the fire she had promised to light in Kampala?
All said and done, nothing brings flair to the festive season than the arrival of the baSummer. We welcome all the baSummers in their various tiers. Because of you, we always have stories to tell in January.
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