This December, save us from the sirens…
Spoilers: Following in the footsteps of our great princess, this December must December at all costs. But for December to December, we must take care of all the risks that threaten to block our enjoyment. We must deal with them without fear, lest they swallow us. We must contain the potential spoilers of our theme ‘parte after parte’.
- Men of Gaad
“For those of you who love me, get me those dollars and I buy a car. I do not want to touch the money for the building,” thus says the man of Gaad. When your man of Gaad starts threatening to eat money meant for cement in case you fail to buy him a new car, run as fast as you can. Return sometime after January, when the children have returned to school. Risk not staying a minute longer. Why should the love of Gaad and the love for the man of Gaad only be proven through your pockets? Why is Gaad only appearing to this one man? Do you not sleep! Do you not dream? Are you too far from Gaad?
- The utilities operators
You know them, our friends who are quick to switch off power whenever it rains. You know them, waiting to grant us a beautiful blackout on the World Cup finals. You know them, the ones who will take the water when we most need it. Why on earth would a place lack water on a weekend? On the day when water counts most. When men and women have invited each other for a home visit. Why do you make weekend marriages hard? Is it our problem that you are on the weekend shift? Please guys of water and power, behave yourselves this December. Tutaonana!
- BaSummer
Not that we have nugu on our brothers and sisters from overseas, from the lands where the sun rises from the west and sets in the east. Not that we have a problem listening to stories of rands, euros, dollars, dirhams and riyals. Not that we hate all the lies about life abroad. But we will not stand your new assumed status in the country, this tendency for baSummers to walk without touching the ground they once stepped on.
Why do baSummer go out of their way to blow their savings just to prove a point? And why do they assume we cannot buy our own drinks? And why do they promise marriage to everyone they meet? If a muSummer has not promised you marriage or help in processing your visa, then you are yet to fully explore his lies? The one thing baSummers specialised in, is lies. A muSummer only says the truth by mistake. And please baSummer, save us from your usual gifts, those perfumes and shirts that you pick up at Dubai Airport. Our downtown plugs can always get us these things.
- Bar hosts
If you are planning to be a bar host, then be out. Take some time to study this role. It is not a game of littering your WhatsApp status with all the places where you are the host. It is not about having your own special table at the front and getting locked in your phone. There is more to being a bar host than buckets of make-up, and tonnes of eyelashes. Hosting is about engagement, spreading the vibe to every section of the bar, ensuring everyone is having the time of their life. As a host, you are not the highlight of the day, we have not come to consume you. You are here to work, to serve us. Okay! Okay Tynah Baby?
- German-car owners
Not that we hate the chaps that drive cars from Deutscheland, on the contrary, we empathise with you. We understand the struggle of keeping up. Some of us have accepted that it is not a hill we are gonna die on, the hill of maintaining such cars in the pothole capital of the world. But please, please, respect the cars. There is no point why you should be fighting for the same tiny space in traffic with a boda boda and a taxi or even a Probox. Like why would you join the ants in a fight? You are a lion for goodness sake. Why would you drive on a pavement? Why would you own such a car and not afford comprehensive insurance? Why would you come out to hold a taxi driver by the throat? Yes, in your former job, you could have been a holder of mataayi but understand that your car now puts you in a new class and there are requirements and responsibilities in that new class. Yes, Willy, Bernard and Prossy, calm down. Power is silent. Money is silent. We have already noticed your German car, no need for you to overtake in weird places just to show us some engine power. Have you even sorted your landlord? Or are you still claiming LPO issues?
- Gamba n’ogus
This is a special request to our Ogas, to the men and women who run this town, to the ones who can shut down this city, to the ones who receive permits before lockdowns are announced, can you leave this December to us. We are on our knees. We worship you. We worship your accents. We worship all the greatness about you, your lack of class notwithstanding. Kindly, abeg, just help sacrifice or gift us with this December. This December, save us from the sirens. It would not hurt if you left for an early Christmas. We shall compensate come January. We shall not even argue once we see you on the roads, we shall simply shift into the nearest trench. But this December, do not force yourselves on us. Leave us to enjoy ko. Just this one month. Just this December. We want to be Decembering without knuckles. Thank you honourables!
Disclaimer: These are not the views of the author, but rather the views of his kabalaza drinkmates. Shoot not the messenger!
Twitter: ortegatalks
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