A visa machine to tip a toilet attendant?
Attention: It is two weeks to the Nairobi Revolution. Unlike previous revolutions, ours will no’t be televised, it will be tweeted. We shall tweet ourselves into Karen, into Riverside, into Westlands, into Garden City, into Loft, into everything worth capturing in Nairobi. But as we drink to our revolution, it is time we recognise the Ugandans who think they have arrived, they have made it in life in ‘Uganda’. But on a serious note, how do you pride in making it here? Isn’t that setting the bar too low?
- The Euro travellers
Abeg, you should never meet this type. For some reason, once Ugandans go to Europe, they stop identifying with Kampala. They change all their baselines, their accents, their ways of life. What else would explain someone asking for a Visa machine to tip a toilet attendant? All their conversations are always intonated with references to some place in Europe. They will tell you about how they deal with potholes in Prague. “In Bucharest, the potholes simply open and close when they see a moving vehicle.” Then it is time to talk about the beer fest in Munich. Then it is time to set standards in bars and restaurants. “Madam, your starters are lacking, I need to send you photos of how it is done in Paris”. Every time you are stuck in jam, they drop comments such as; “How I miss the trams. Can’t stand the hustle here anymore”. Like Natukunda, are you serious? Are you really adapted for Euro life? Why were you shivering throughout your trip?
- Ugandans who drive German-made cars
The problem with Uganda is that the rich seek recognition and validation from the poor. The rich just cannot survive unless they are seen by the poor. That is why the rich strive to live among the poor. It is not success until the poor make way for them on the road. Now that brings us to Ugandans who own German-made cars. What on earth are you trying to prove? Why on earth are you subjecting your Mercedes to a cuisine of potholes? And why on earth are you driving a car that is beyond your country’s living standards? Why do you behave like paupers when you get minor scratches on your cars? What happened to comprehensive insurance?
- Ugandans with tables at Bandali
“That’s why I sip my alcohol.” Okay, now you are out! But why do you have to post every moment of your life? Can’t you eat your money without disturbing our peace? Why do you keep thinking you have haters? There is a way Ugandans with a bottle of whiskey on the table behave differently. Every moment they keep turning to ensure they have attention from the rest of the folks. It is just whiskey my dear. It is just an alcoholic drink. Can’t you just be calm about the whole affair? And the way Ugandans want to notice their former schoolmates during these moments? Yes Nancy, you may be popping champagne now, but fact is, you still could not decipher those carbon bonds in school!
- Ugandans who have gone through LDC
Who sent you to Law Development Centre (LDC)? Why do you have to keep reminding us about the trials and tribulations at LDC? You made your choices. Live with them! One, two words and these LDC chaps will be telling you about Jurisprudence. Kwani, how does that concern us? Will it help us capture Nairobi much earlier? Will it help us overcome the customs clearance for the cows we are sending to Rome? Wacha wacha, save us from your LDC conversations and dependencies. Good thing you made it through, now you realise that is not the end of the world. It is simply the start of another world.
- WhatsApp group admins
What is there to be proud of? The fact that you can remove and add members? The fact that you have the powers to share the group link? Change the group description? Why do WhatsApp group admins walk and talk with airs? They do not get paid a salary, they earn no money. They do not even get the privileges of sliding into DMs? So why do they assume they have arrived? Dear sir, you have not made it yet in life. You are still our one and only group admin, with no assets to your name, just a group that is a deletion away. The only chap with the bragging privileges are the Decadenian, Book Bug and Media Wolox admins. All else should keep calm. There are no special skills in administering a group.
- Ugandans at the airport
As a country, we are easy to excite. You do not have to do much to capture the attention of Ugandans. Now when it comes to Ugandans at the airport, they become motivational speakers. The airport agents behave like gatekeepers of heaven. Then the Ugandans in transit make it worse. They will call everyone in their clan to update them about the journey. “I am using KQ, we shall spend some time in Addis, then fly to Dubai,” their conversations will run. And they speak in these high tones to ensure everyone around can follow the conversation. It is just a plane (pieces of metal that can fly in the air) and it is just an airport (brick and concrete). Do not go back giving testimonies in your church. What is there to testify? The fact that you boarded a plane from Ugandana to Nairobina? Are you a Mubandana?
- General Twitter
My father this, My father that, revolution this, revolution that… yes, if you gerrit… if you don’t gerrit!
Twitter: ortegatalks
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