Here we go: Kampala can be misleading. To an outsider, Kampalans, aka Banakampala, are not fast-paced. They are never in a rush. If you rush in this city, you will always crash. The potholes, the Boda bodas, exist to remind you of these facts. Yet, when one reviews Kampala in hindsight, there is something revelatory. There is a sea of significant stories. It is for this reason that we have borrowed from the Legendary Prince Job Paul Kafeero (RIP) and chosen to bring Kampala to court. And here is the case to be made:
The Ugandan TikTokers
TikTok happened to Uganda. All chaos in Uganda currently originates on TikTok. Amplified by the boredom from the Covid-19 lockdowns, TikTok has reinforced its position in the country. Everyday, TikTokers wake up to the mighty call of a self-proclaimed Doctor. “TikTokers Gather!” the gongs sound.
If TikTokers are not jumping on the latest ‘Girlfriend Challenge’, they are igniting new wars. There will always be a MikeySeemsFunny, a Full Figure, a Bamweyana, a Goldviv, a Nakankaka, a Jowie, it’s a hodgepodge of the riffraff and the refined.
Have you heard of the Security by Knuckle? If Ugandan TikTok was a software, it would have a new version every week. Uganda has many bugs, it needs an update every week. And TikTok has filled that gap. But on a serious note, what in the goat nutrition would make someone entrust their security to a Knuckle? Sometimes chaps of Gaza, Kawempe take hallucinations too far!
Nairobi girls and character development
A friend once commented; “You think Kampala girls are bad, wait when you meet the terrorists of Nairobi.” If you have never attended the school of Character Development, our sisters in Nairobi will give you a full course. When you date a Nairobi girl, you are assured of one thing, a graduation with honors. You will graduate Summa Cum Laude, character fully developed.
A Kampala girl will often keep one boyfriend and run him to the drain. A Nairobi girl keeps at the bare minimum three boyfriends aka businesses. And the rule of the game is that none of the businesses should interfere with the other. The rental business should function independent of the hair business, independent of the exhibition one. The three businesses never meet. Every Nairobi girl is born an entrepreneur. It’s the city. There is no point where one can have a break. No wonder, the taxis in Nairobi never come to a complete stop. You simply must jump off while the Taxi is in motion.
Nairobi is fast-paced. You could have a girlfriend on the ground floor at the Social House, by the time you climb to the rooftop, you could be a single man. The Kampala socialites cannot come close to their Nairobi Counterparts. In Nairobi, you must live the part. If it means leasing a Range Rover for a day of photoshoots and endless Instagram inspirations, so be it. Remember, to survive in Nairobi one must be an entrepreneur, hardened by the strings of Mutura, mentored by the gods of Vera and Huddah.
Midro Income
Kampala night life has proven one thing, that only Kampala has achieved midro-income and the midro-income is experienced at night. Kampala is about finding the midro-ground. You must speak and write the kind of English that is understood by the midro-crew. If you fail to stand in the midro in Kampala, you will tilt and fall to your death. Our drivers know these rules, you move off the midro, you will be in a pothole, you will compete with a siren-car, or find yourself in a Kampala ditch. Our girls have learned better about the midro, the skin complexion now reflects this fact. You will see a yellow, brown and red colour. That combination is the new skin tone of a Kampala babe. If you have not achieved midro income, then you are not playing your cards well. Money is a mindset in this town, it is a feeling. You only must proclaim it (in Phaneroo speak). I speak; therefore I am!
Zakayo
There is a popular song in Kampala by King Saha titled; Zakayo. The song goes beyond its cool Bebe. It is more than that. It’s about that person that is taken all the peace out of your life. It is about that boyfriend that has never sent Transport money. It is about that girl that is dragging you to every new place in town on your own budget. Above all, Zakayo is about that politician with a green colour at day time and yellow at night. Then you have Matayo, the drunkard at the funeral. The guy with the courage to proclaim that the emperor is naked. In Kampala, one must make a choice between being a Matayo or a Zakayo. If your boss has denied you a pay raise, it is time to play them the Zakayo song. Leave the rest to us your online cheerleaders.
Boutique businesses
It is a great thing to hustle. It’s a great thing to start new businesses. But why is everyone starting a boutique? Why is everyone running a Liquor store? Why is everyone into general supplies? Trust Kampala people on jumping on anything. They are the definition of Kuyiriba. As long as Kampalans hear that there is a connection between money and a given activity, they will all become experts at that activity. Naalya has capitalised on massage parlours. At some point, when someone is going for a massage, they now say; “I have gone to Naalya.” But then, Naalya and massage could be two things of the same new-rule (in massage speak).
Twitter: ortegatalks