Going forward, all SMAU dates will be home-based…
MASSIVE CUTS: In the latest news, Stingy Men Association of Uganda has rebranded to Stingiest Men Association of Uganda (SMAU). As things have gotten tighter, SMAU has introduced a couple of austerity measures to guarantee the survival of its members. “It now won’t just be about being stingy, it is now a competition to be the stingiest. Always compete to be the stingiest,” the SMAU president remarked in his Budget Speech. Below are the different measures announced by SMAU.
Oliwa
SMAU hereby notes that all phone calls that start off with the signature question of “Oliwa” will hereby be avoided. All unfriendly pocket decisions start with this statement. If someone asks; “Oliwa”, you must confirm that they are footing the bill. You must announce that you have no means of getting to wherever they are inviting you. Oliwa should be reserved for those individuals in Najjera. Since they drive Subarus, they are best positioned to answer location questions. Because a Subaru can be anywhere at any time. You could find it on a rooftop, in a ditch, or even in a one-bedroomed house in Najjera.
Keep it natural
We thank the gods for giving us Maama. Maama has defined the best practice when it comes to hair in Uganda. Going forward, SMAU will not encourage that environmentally unfriendly practice of ‘burning hair’. All hair going forward should be kept natural. What happened to the knots, aka bitutwa? What happened to that ingenuity? SMAU has signed up to some carbon commitments. We expect that every Ugandan will adhere to Bubu. This business of being Ugandan while your hair is Brazilian is hereby prohibited.
Transport money abolished
Cross-suburb dating is banned. If you stay ku Masitoowa in Nansana, you should date your neighbours. What business does Sharon of Nakulabye have with Ian of Naalya? Stick to your area code. Date from your area code. Transport money for what? What is it that you are transporting? If you cannot transport yourself, then your problem is not transport money, your problem is poverty. It is best to deal with problems from the root cause. Any man found giving transport money is liable to imprisonment.
All dates will be home dates
Why do people have dates in restaurants? How are you going to learn about your future husband or wife from a restaurant? By watching how they use their cutlery? Going forward, all SMAU dates will be home-based. See how your husband-to-be deals with their pair of socks. See how they deal with their boxers. See how they do not organise their bedroom. See their fridge. Everything you need to know about your future husband is at his current home. All dates henceforth should either be at home or at church.
No replies to the other gender
If the other gender sends you a message out of the blue, act like you have not seen it. Do not prompt the other gender with questions about their current state. There is no use in a SMAU member knowing about their state. What if they are sad and they want to go shopping? What if they need rent? As a SMAU member, one should mind their business. Enjoy WhatsApp status updates from kamooli. Do not comment on any photo, do not comment on any status. Do not prompt problems before they prompt you.
No wedding pledges
As a SMAU member, one is not allowed to pledge to anything. Pledges are for soldiers and boy scouts. If two people want to get married, that is none of your business. Let them get married. You should not stress over the fact that two people want to legalise their pleasure. People’s emotional decisions cannot be emergencies for a SMAU member.
Membership fees reduced to zero
All membership fees have been slashed to zero. All that one requires to be a SMAU member is to prove their level of stinginess. And the first step is in declining to pay any membership fee. SMAU membership is free of charge. Anyone can be a member if they can prove that they have mentioned such statements in the past; “let me see what I can do”, “Kati ogenda kola otya.”
We are all workaholics
As a SMAU member, one should desist from having idle time. A SMAU member should be married to his work. A SMAU member should always be busy doing something. When you are invited to a random birthday party, remind people that you will be working on an urgent report. Pick up any excuse related to work. That is the only way to survive in Kampala. Reject any event invitation. Work, work, work. Work on Monday. Work on Saturday. Work on Sunday. Work in 2030.
All lifts are banned
SMAU believes in the principle of generosity. The principle states that a SMAU member should be generously stingy. Do not interrupt what God is doing in other peoples’ lives. Do not give lifts to people. God has decided for them to walk to their destination at that point in time. When people ask which direction you are headed, invent one that is in the opposite direction. And if a SMAU member is given a lift, he should fake a phone call when the driver stops at the refilling station. What if the car owner asks you to chip in? A SMAU member should not accept lifts from a fellow SMAU member. Do not risk the stinginess of another human being.
If you are not paid to do it, do not do it
All SMAU members are mandated to never give a free service or product. SMAU members are not paid in exposure. Exposure does not buy food. Do not accept those lies of future business. If you are not paid to do it, do not do it. SMAU members are not volunteers. As a SMAU member, one should always be thinking in terms of ROI. There should be a Return on Investment with everything.
Signed
King of Yoruba
Recovering Gamba N’Ogu
Twitter: ortegatalks
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