Stay Home: Last Weekend, the Stingy Men Association of Uganda (SMAU) held an emergency meeting. The main objective was to call for the cancellation of this years’ Valentine’s Day. SMAU argued that there is no reason a world that is yet to emerge from the Covid-19 pandemic should waste time celebrating a thing that no one can touch, or see, or hear. SMAU raised major points and yours truly was lucky to get wind of those points.
- The Covid-19 pandemic
The major Standard Operating Procedure for Covid-19 prevention is around social distancing. There is no guarantee that these Covid-19 SOPs will be observed during the celebration of this year’s Valentine’s Day. We cannot be bringing groups of people together in times when we need to keep a distance.
From gyms to restaurants, in these hard times, SMAU would like to be the benchmark of upholding the SOPs. As such, SMAU has decided to self-impose a three-day lockdown from February 13 to February 15, to further address the risks around Omicron.
- The rising costs of fuel
The rising costs of fuel have greatly impacted the limits of transport money. The Uganda Girlfriend Association (UGA) shared new transport money rates. For Muyenga girls, the minimum limit is now 150K, while for Najjera, it is now 50K. As SMAU, this year, it would be best to have a sit-down. Everyone should stay in their homes. We can host Valentine’s Day virtually over a zoom call, or a WhatsApp video call. It will be a silent protest note but it will also help to save the environment.
Climate change is here, and SMAU must play its part. Every car trip, every boda-boda ride, that is carbon emissions to the environment. SMAU cannot be part of those who are destroying the environment. This Valentine’s Day, SMAU has chosen to show love to the environment and as such, there will be no movements on this day.
- The men’s conference
As you are all aware, there is an annual Men’s Conference that is always scheduled from February 10 to February 20. All men of good standing in society are required to attend this conference. It would be very unwise for a man to be absent from a conference that is aimed at improving his capabilities. On this day, men will enhance their skills of opening container lids at home, fixing light bulbs, and killing cockroaches. They will be trained in public speaking skills to enable them answer questions such as; “What are we now?” “Where do you see this going?”
During this men’s conference, men will be taught the science of how the other gender can hate and love something at the same time. In the past, the Men’s Conference was always held in Kampala. However, this year, the conference will take place in Arua. It is not a short journey, men will need time to travel and prepare in time.
In this year’s conference, the Uganda Boyfriends’ Association (UBA) will also share the new price lists for transport money and add penalty clauses for the non-compliant recipients. Why, for example, do the phones stop working when transport money is sent? Why do people fall sick after receiving transport money? Why do all problems arise after transport money is received? Men shall be contemplating on these critical topics and produce summary theses to address them.
- Our principal is yet to communicate
Although SMAU members would love to attend this year’s Valentine’s Day, we are yet to get the official direction from our one and only, Principal Bobi Wine. It would be dishonest of us to proceed without a clear direction on this matter.
Would it be wise for us to celebrate a day that borrows from our party colours? We do not want to risk a confrontation with mzee’s police. Until such a time when the Principal tells us what to do, how much to spend, where to spend this money, SMAU will be abstaining from this year’s Valentine’s Day.
- The need to know how our names are saved in their phones
Although we are addressed as hun, baby, sweet pie, we would like UGA to share a list of how every boyfriend is saved in their phone book. For example, why should we be saved as Sam Big Head, Paul Noisy Subaru, James One Minute, Benny Plumber, name it all? We shall not tolerate this level of disrespect. The daughters of Eve must decide whether the man is Sam Big Head or Sweet Pie. It cannot be both!
- Cutting flowers endangers the environment
Our researchers and analysts at SMAU have done the maths and it indicates that we lose tonnes and tonnes of ‘trees’ every time we celebrate Valentine’s Day. This report not only shocked us, but it has jolted us to take prompt action. This cannot happen for another year. We must do our part. As such, we shall not be celebrating Valentine’s Day. We must ensure that our actions do not hurt the environment. We can send flowers via WhatsApp through emojis and memes.
- We are still mourning our Governor
As you are all aware, we lost the best and most honest of men, our Governor Bank of Uganda. Healing from such a loss is not a one-day activity. It is unfortunate that Valentine’s Day fell in the same period. As SMAU, we had already declared a month of mourning. We cannot interrupt this mourning period to tell our girlfriends the same things we have been telling them since we met. We thus ask UGA to understand our absentia in these trying times. We can always celebrate Valentine’s Day the following year, but we can never have another opportunity to mourn our Dear Governor.
- Let the girls chill with the Big Boys
For those girlfriends who still insist on celebrating Valentine’s Day, we have reached a compromise. We understand there are several Big Boys in Kampala, the ones who buy bottles in clubs. We have decided to officially hand over the role of Valentine’s Day to the Big Boys. Since the Hashims of this world have proven themselves to be more boyfriends than the rest of us, let them take over as we attend the men’s conference. As SMAU, we shall resume our boyfriend duties on the 20th of this month on return from the conference.
Signed,
SMAU 2022
CC
Frank Gash
Chairman Nya-nzee
Timothy K
Chris O-Horn
Twitter: ortegatalks
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