All con-tricks in UG rotate around making money faster.
Preachers: If you are not careful, you can crash in Uganda. Unlike other countries, motivation in Uganda is often subtle. It is clothed in bright garments, such as presidential speeches, Sunday sermons, entrepreneurial talks, to mention but a few. Perhaps Uganda is so hard that without motivation, many would never make it to the next day. But is this motivation worth it?
- The President of Uganda
In Uganda, everything seems to start in 1986. Even motivation! Before 1986, Ugandans did not need motivation to survive. Then the President happened, and the promises started. The President’s manifestos have been a continuing exercise in motivation. Why? Because they stir up your imagination, but nothing ever seems to happen. By 2020, the promise was that we would all be middle-income citizens. We thus endured heartbreaks, painful potholes in the joyful hope that come 2020, magic would happen. Well, it seems someone stole the President’s magic wand. Here we are in 2021, and our biggest threat is the pigs. Do you need any further proof that motivation in Uganda is a special exhibit?
- The Ugandan pastors
If you are observant in life, you will notice a pattern. That human beings are not fundamentally different. Our problems are not different. The problems of a rich man are the problems of a poor man. The problems of a skinny chap are the problems of a positively healthy chap. Go to Gulu, go to Mukono, go to Mbarara and you will realise the same problems, the same hopes and desires in life.
The problems of Ugandans fall in two categories. If they are not financial problems, then they are relationship problems. Essentially, all human problems come down to a desire to be loved, a desire to be financially secure, and a desire to be better than the person next door. Any pastor worth a brain will know that if you hit your stone around these issues, you won’t fail to find a target.
And it works best with some background music, and some pauses between prophecies. “The Lord is good. Yes, I see you woman, you have been crying out to God. You have waited for too long. Men have come and gone out of your life. God is talking to you, that this year is your year. Your wedding date has been stamped. Woman, if I am speaking to you, come here with your miracle offering.”
If the relationship angle fails, then one can zoom around the financial angle. “Your family and friends have despised you. They have stepped on you for so long. God is changing the course of your life right now. Start speaking in tongues, start declaring that victory. I see you driving your dream car, I see you dangling your car keys. Rush to the podium, come and cry out to God. Sow a seed of faith into your financial future.” Every time someone tries to motivate you in Uganda, rest assured they see a miracle in your pocket.
- The network marketers
If you have heard statements such as; “you can make money while sleeping. I have never picked my transcript ever since I landed on this opportunity. I quit my job and I am now my own boss.” If someone ever says these words to you, run as fast as you can. You are their next source of income. Remember the days of TelexFree? Remember the days of Adfast? How people were becoming millionaires overnight?
That is why all con-tricks in Uganda rotate around making money faster. The only problem with the network marketers is that their lifestyle sometimes betrays them. They will pose around expensive cars and you will clearly tell from their stature that they do not own the car.
- Ugandan tweeps, Tiktokers, Instagrammers, YouTubers
I have lived for long in Uganda and I can assure you that overall, most Ugandans are broke. Therefore, when you begin hearing statements such as: “I make a million a day from this side hustle. That’s an outright lie.” The reality of most hustles in Uganda is that they have windfalls of excitement and then days when nothing comes through.
But not for Ugandan tweeps. They will blow everything out of proportion. They will land on a gig to influence for an event or brand, then they will use that time to tweet to everyone how it is important to follow your passion. If passion is about pushing hashtags, if passion is about posting for brands you do not believe in, then that is a passion one would rather avoid.
Ugandans on Facebook are humble and embedded in their ghetto reality. But when it comes to TikTokers, Instagrammers and YouTubers, the story is totally different. TikTokers are living lives of billionaires on the digital platforms, Instagrammers are filtering themselves into their dream life, while YouTubers constantly assure everyone of how they earn hundreds of dollars from the platform. Problem is, they are motivating more people to crash into this bubble on an imagined reality. Again, one should go slow on digital motivation.
- The seasoned Ugandan motivational speakers
A friend once said: “If a motivational speaker cannot show you their business, chances are high, you are the business.” Ugandan corporates have been bashed left and right by this breed of motivational speakers. The one that says an 8 to 5pm job is a curse. The one that claims everyone should be an entrepreneur. Anyone who claims entrepreneurship is easier has probably never been an entrepreneur. As an entrepreneur you sacrifice more than an employee, you work more hours, your income is not assured. If someone is motivating you to believe it is easier out there, it is not.
In this category of motivational speakers is where you find people who started their restaurant business which just one saucepan. You will find chaps who started their travel construction business with just a grain of sand. Miracles happen in Uganda. And one of the miracles is that most ‘successful’ businessmen cannot explain the reality of their early days, neither can they explain the actual turnaround moments. When it comes to Ugandan lives, in theory, reality and theory are the same, yet the two are different. Do not believe what a Ugandan tells you, ask them to show you, and ask them to show you for a given amount of time. If they say they make a million a day, ask them to prove with receipts and books of accounts.
- The only motivation you need
Now that you know all categories of motivational speakers in Uganda. When it comes to motivation, there is only one thing you need to know. There is only one guarantee in life, “you’re going to die”. It doesn’t matter how beautiful, how famous, how popular, how educated, you are going to die. With that in mind, do something with your life before that day comes. Take some risks, try some things, make some mistakes, change jobs, get heartbreaks, but remember, you are going to die. All the rest is up to you!
Twitter: ortegatalks
Don’t want to miss out on any story? For updates on all Sqoop stories, follow this link on Telegram: https://t.me/Sqoop
