Of what use is a boyfriend who cannot move…
42 Days: We are locked down again, and this time it is not just for three weeks, but 42 days! Essential workers are the thing right now… married men, how’s it going? Hehe
When the Minister of Health spoke of a second wave, we called her bluff. We were certain there would never be a second wave. From the look of things, Uganda had humbled Covid-19. Hospitals were empty, daily cases were at a single digit. How could she speak of a second wave? And so, we moved on.
Fast-forward, we are going through the second wave. Daily deaths are not just a statistic, they are more than that. Each death represents a relative, a friend, a workmate, someone close to us. But trust Ugandans to find the humour in the most difficult of times. For Ugandans, humour is a coping mechanism.
And the President of Uganda, a one Yoweri Museveni knows us well. He will always find something to captivate us. He will always find a meme for us. In his first address, it was a one Nakyambadde. We now have a one Namahungye, a startling beauty, according to the President.
We now dread the word; “therefore.” It’s a fear factor in every presidential address. When the President uses ‘therefore’, you expect the worst of news. And this time, it is not just about three weeks, he decided to double things. Everything is a 42-day affair. Reminds us of Israel’s time in the desert on their way to the Promised Land.
Therefore, all places of worship shall remain closed, lodges shall remain open until 7pm. If you are found in a lodge beyond 7pm, you will be arrested. Drink at home, but house parties are not allowed.
The stock price of essential workers has gone out of the roof. All stingy men have found ways of getting travel permits. If you have a travel permit, you do not have to say much. It means you are a man of substance. The Uganda Girlfriends Association is busy blacklisting all boyfriends without a sticker. Of what use is a boyfriend who cannot move at this time?
Subaru drivers must be cursing. What did they do to the President? There should be a special waiver for Subarus. They should be allowed to race on the Entebbe Express Highway. But how on earth does a Vitz get a sticker while a Subaru is stranded home? Stickers should also consider the type of car.
Imagine you invited someone over for the weekend, only for the President to lock her at yours. Boyfriends of Najjera must be cursing. “We thought Najjera is not part of Uganda. Now here we are stuck in affairs that were meant to be one-night stands,” some complained.
It is only in lockdown that you get to know most people’s sources of income. People are doing free branding for their employers. Imagine all National Water employees have NWSC branding on their cars. But on a serious note, what is a NWSC employee still doing on the road past 7pm? What water services are they providing at that time?
Who has tried out the USSD code? It is the quickest way to know whether the government considers you essential or not. Send your vehicle number to 6201, and the heartbreaking message appears.“This vehicle is not allowed on the road.” One must pity the UBK drivers. By the time they open, we shall have moved to another line of registration plates.
There is also a Sacco of chaps who keep posting “Covid is real.” Bettinah, you thought it wasn’t? It is real. Stop posting that hashtag while your mask is underneath your nostrils. It must cover up those soft parts.
But how are people socially-distanced? It must be a hard affair for people with home cases. In Ugandan households, most things are shared. Bathrooms are shared, bedrooms are shared. How are people social-distancing in single rooms with curtain separations?
Domestic tourists, how are you doing? Tourists can operate but only with registered tour operators. Every address raises more questions than it answers. The sick can drive their cars upon authorisation of their LC1 chairman and RDC. But how does one reach them in the first place? Everything is always left for the LDUs to interprete. For the first time, lawyers are humble at road blocks. They have accepted that they are not all-knowing. You cannot be all-knowing at the muzzle of the gun.
The best news is the Nabbanja money. “Eleeta manya ki?” We expect the Prime Minister to ask us about vulnerable socialites. We also hope she will add withdrawal charges. This is the best decision ever. Forget about those who wanted to decide for the poor. Thinking the best thing is to give the poor posho and beans. Send us our ka money, and we decide how to use it mpola mpola.
Working from home is a punishment for most married men. They have been used to having daily escapades to their places of work. Now they are locked at home. They have no option but to talk to their wives. Only one man can take away the cross of the 42 days!
Twitter: ortegatalks
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