If music failed them, here’s their Plan B…

THE OTHER LIFE: For a moment, think about a scenario where your favourite Ugandan musician was not into music. What would they be doing? What would Bebe Cool or Sheebah be up to? What would they be known for? To imagine that, we set out and drew up the next best alternative for the paths these musicians would have pursued outside the entertainment industry. It was a leap into the future that would have been. So without any pretense, why not open the cans? Ian Ortega writes.

Rema Namakula, the Banda Princess
Kikoni is to Makerere what Banda is to Kyambogo University. In the dusty environs of Banda, there would live a princess named Rema. She would wake up early to attend her lectures in Administrative and Managerial Science. Time forward, Rema would graduate with her second-class upper degree. And she would hang around town dropping her CVs. After a long search, Rema would land a job working as a secretary for one of the wealthy Hajjis around town who would waste no time in making her the fourth wife and starting up a boutique business for her in Mukwano Arcade.

Bebe Cool, The Mu-Summer
What do you do when you drop out of university and your father is a minister? Of all drop-outs, Bebe Cool would have limitless options. The OB of Makerere College School would first hang around Kikoni in the first days of dropping out. Thereafter, he would contact the mother abroad and plan on getting a visa to shift forever. Outside music, Bebe Cool would do perfectly on Kyeyo, and he would always return to Uganda as a mu-Summer. But he would still be that one guy who never stops reminding everyone how he was a PCB/M student and that he is a doctor regardless. One last thing, he would always brag about those ‘knee-cars.’

Fille Mutoni, The Mukiibi Survivor
We are not certain of the status of Fille’s Public Administration degree at St. Lawrence University. Every time she has been interviewed, she has noted that she is still studying. It is now five years and we are wondering whether it morphed into a Medicine course. Fille would be the girl everyone would want to interview in the aftermath of Prof. Lawrence Mukiibi’s death. She would be elusive and refuse to give an interview. Assuming a perfect state of things, Fille would complete her degree, and join Uganda’s Ministry of Public Affairs where she would be bored by the paper work, and only get resurrected by MC Kats’ TV programme.

 

Sheebah Karungi, the Slay Queen
Nothing turns heads like trying to create a Sheebah outside music. Nonetheless, nothing is impossible. The Senior Two dropout from Midland High School would start off her life as a dancer/vixen, featuring in various music videos. Soon, she would realise that this does not pay, so she would set out on a path to become a Slay Queen, practicing her art on Instagram. Here, she would become super popular with the thirsty guys and before we know it all, she would have an ice cream parlour to her name. Without music, Sheebah would be the ‘slayest’ of Ugandan slay queens.

Ykee Benda, The Chemical Engineer
Ykee Benda’s life would be super boring like that of all nerds. He would probably be working in one of the industrial plants around town, manufacturing the next regimen of drugs. There is a high chance Ykee Benda would be doing an eight to five job working at Quality Chemicals and taking orders from his annoying boss while eyeing the hot girl in finance a.k.a Malaika. And for starters, his name would be Wycliff Tugume. He would live the rest of his life in anguish after getting rejected by Malaika. Why? Because he cracks those fake chemistry jokes that send all his dates to sleep #Zzzzzzz.

Mun-G, Quasi-App Designer
The graduate of Computer Science at Makerere University would be that one guy that everyone remembers from their course. He would have a reputation of having cracked everyone’s ribs. He would be all talk but almost no action. So stubborn and idealistic, Mun-G would not look for a job. Instead, he would co-found a Tech-start-up with a friend that would produce the kind of Apps that almost no one ever uses. Why? Because the Apps would never work. Instead, Mun-G’s real source of income would be installing Facebook, Whatsapp and Internet settings on smart phones.

 

Cindy, the Socialite
One thing is certain, Cindy would never be broke. Secondly, Cindy’s appeal would never go to waste. But let’s not expect wonders, Cindy would not be the next neurosurgeon. She would still drop out after Senior Six, begin hanging around the top executive places in Kampala where she would catch the eye of a bored journalist. Before long, Cindy would be the trending socialite in town. She would appear at all events of who-is-who in Kampala. Once in a while, she would be arm in arm with her Zungu husband. And just like that, she would complete her full requirements for a Bachelor’s degree in Sociality.

Bobi Wine, Kato Lubwama’s Mentee
Having studied MDD at Makerere University, Bobi Wine would follow the natural course of things. He would join one of the drama groups around town, probably Afri-Talent. There, he would catch the eye of the great Kato Lubwama who would choose to mentor him. Years ahead, his mentor would join parliament. And following the great example Bobi Wine would later contest as member of parliament. And he would still win. Truth be told, even without music, Bobi Wine would end up in parliament.

Mowzey Radio, the Counsellor
Moses Nakintije Ssekibogo would be lucky to land a job after campus with an NGO working in Busoga. Here he would work as a counsellor helping rehabilitate youth that are addicted to drugs in the region. He would be the guy that posts those viral statuses on WhatsApp that move from group to group. In real life, his job as a counsellor would not be bringing him much. Nonetheless, he would find solace in the quote, “Money is not everything”… Until of course your girlfriend gets stolen by Bebe Cool, the Mu-summer.

Jose Chameleone, The Hustler
Jose Chameleone would be a man of all seasons. For a matter of fact, Chameleone would have this sheer ability to do anything as long as money is the end game. Having dropped out after Senior Six, Chameleone would live out his name to the dot, changing by the tide of things. He would try all that there is to try out. He would be a DJ at night, probably owning one of those makeshift sound companies or he would be the guy running errands for the big wigs. And by some coincidence, he would end up crossing paths with Sipapa. Of all things that Chameleone brags most about these days, it is his farm in Mityana. But in the other life, Chameleone would not own the farm, he would be the guy who manages the farm for some tycoon around town. He would be the real estate broker, the car broker, and would do any job that brings cash into his pockets. He would nail it as the perfect hustler.

Spice Diana, The 2nd Year Campuser
Spice Diana would be a 2nd year student of Industrial Art at Makerere University. She would be that campus girl that rocks every campus night in clubs donning her own outfits. At the end of the day, she would always rush back to campus to revise lest she grabs retakes. After graduation, Spice Diana would go on to start her own Label aka Spice Collections. And she would be the one-stop shopping point for all slay queens like Sheebah.

 

Other Artistes & their academic qualifications
1. Eddy Kenzo: Earned a bursary to study at Lubiri Secondary School as a footballer. He dropped out in Senior Three.
2. Angella Katatumba: Probably the most educated Ugandan musician with a Masters in International Management / Public Relations from Oxford Brookes University, England
3. Navio: Studied International Relations and Media Studies at Monash University
4. Bobi Wine: The MP-elect of Kyadondo East is currently pursuing a Bachelors of Law at International University of East Africa.
5. Irene Ntale: She is a holder of a Bachelor of Procurement and Logistics Management degree from Kyambogo University.
6. Maro: Has a Bachelor of Development Studies degree from Makerere University.
7. Daxx Kartel: Yet to complete a Bachelor’s degree in Mass Communication at Makerere University.