I went down that road and meekly learnt my lessons. He wasn’t married legally but he was betrothed to someone he isn’t about to leave because they have a child who needs both parents living together. Here is why I am glad I backed off.
During my leave, I happened to bench at a bar in my neighbourhood – a place well known for housing men of all kinds – those that have driven more than 200kms from upcountry to come and have fun and rejuvenate themselves. I happened to be at the opportune place to get to know all I needed to know about married men.
Ken, the regular said he was glad to be away from Moroto where his wife insisted she should live too. She had said, “There is no way you are working in Moroto and leaving me here in Kampala”. I think she just made a grave mistake. At least from Ken’s chit-chat with friends, I could tell, because in my view a man will cheat even when you are living with him in the same house and do not spend less than 12 hours without seeing him. Don’t ask me how.
But that is not the point. From the discussion, I gathered they talked about their side dishes and wives. They noticed I was keenly eavesdropping and decided to engage me fully. “Have you ever dated a married man?” Sam asked, in a rather shaky voice. “No I have never,” I lied.
He went ahead to tell me how lucky I was. There is nothing interesting about dating a married man. They are just suited fellas, attractive, sophisticated and gallant womanisers. Truth be told, if they are able to cheat on their wives, they are cheating on you as well. Just so you know, some of these married men have had more affairs than the days you have experienced your monthly period your entire “menstrual life”. How old are you? Yes, all those years. They easily move on because people like you are readily available.
You are going to receive those honours that he perhaps doesn’t give his wife. He will pull a chair for you at high-end restaurants, open the door for you, carry your handbag and drive you around town. But he is only buying his way into your “place”. Don’t worry how long it will take him to get what he wants. He is patient too.
Do you even know that they call and text more than your boyfriend will? Don’t even worry where they are making the call from at midnight. It could be in the washrooms—but they make the effort because you are one to steal horses with.
I had heard about all that nitty gritty. What I needed to hear was why they go ahead to cheat on their wives, who are in some cases more beautiful than their lover in question. Talkative Ben answered this one. With his Gilbeys in one hand, the stout man from the mountains was quick to butt in. “Don’t listen to Sam. Men do those things for a reason. I will tell you some if you can buy me another drink,” he said as he leaned back in his seat.
“Do you have any idea what we go through in our homes? Your wife just left the labour ward and the doctors make it clear you shouldn’t touch her. It is even worse if she had a C-section. The newborn too won’t let you sleep. Having a peaceful night on one such trip is one thing we pray for.
There also women who won’t let you have your dinner in peace. When you get home, they start asking you questions such as why you didn’t come home in time to fix the lamps, or why you brought home brown sugar instead. This kind of nagging is what we hope to get away from for a while.
Lately, I can’t even sleep comfortably because my wife is overweight and I can’t sleep on the couch because that will cause a brawl. There are also a lot of disagreements on money and its use. You little girls ‘chop’ our money comfortably but have no idea how we account for it back to back in our homes,” Ben said.
The married men have problems as well. Some are dead bored and depressed. The old ones are struggling with poor bed performance. A friend told me how he has to take boosters daily in order to perform his conjugal duties.
After listening to the guys for two whole hours, while sipping my red wine and occasionally popping my eyeballs, I realised how naïve girls can be. I also remembered how Rogers was hovering around me for ages only to be told he is a “Ssekawere”. I remembered seeing photos of him and family in Zanzibar having fun when the furthest he took me was Java House. My brain raced to the weekends when he called me so we could meet somewhere closed. I thanked myself for turning down the offers.
When girls date married men, aren’t they aware that these man only want to relieve their urges and just also feel good about themselves? I look forward to a chat about dating married women. In the meantime, given that it came from the horse’s mouths, date a married man at your own risk!
ewatsemwa@ug.nationmedia.com