THE SON OF GOD: This Easter weekend, we celebrate the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Ian Ortega takes a cheeky look at if Jesus had lived in these times
Good Friday comes with its thoughts, some certainly out of the box. Coming to think about it? What if Jesus was a Ugandan celebrity? What would be the trending news right now? No one would believe his death, everyone would think it was a conspiracy. We would wake up with all sorts of different theories concerning his death making rounds on several Whatsapp groups. Some would definitely say, his manager Judas Iscariot played a hand in his death. Some would blame the drugs he took (you know he changed water into wine). But what kind of life would Jesus live? Of course, he wouldn’t wear his lugabire and tunic. He would drive around in one of those fuel guzzlers, probably a Hummer with a personalised number plate – afterall the people preaching his gospel now want flocks to fundraise for their private jets. He would have a couple of bling-bling chains.
The “disciples” crew
You know how Ugandan music artistes have their own crews? Those gangs of young men with shaggy hair, Jesus would have 12 of those. I am not certain about the smoking bit. But they would be the guys he moves around from place to place.
With Creflo Dollar asking for $65m for a private jet, I think Jesus would launch his own campaign of sorts. Instead of having the last supper, Jesus would have an “all-white party.” The Muzaata of those days, one of the Jewish Rabbis would also hold his own “All-black-party”.
Forget about moving from place to place preaching the gospel of Jesus Christ. Jesus would spread his gospel by means of Social Media. He would have a good number of Twitter Followers and a good number of Likes on his Facebook pages. Something deep down tells me he would post; “Share this status with 10 people and my father will reserve you a room in heaven.” What would go on in his Whatsapp group? I think nudes of the Samaritan woman would be shared over there and when Fr Lokodo calls for her arrest, Jesus would make a Facebook post saying that whoever has not sinned should be the one to cast the first stone.
If Jesus was a Ugandan Celeb, he wouldn’t be crucified on the cross. He would collapse and die in a bathroom at one of the Pentecostal churches. He would then be rushed to Mulago only to find a long line. By the time the Jesus overcomes the queue, it would be past the three days he’s meant to spend in the tomb.
Rising from the dead
What would happen when Jesus rises from the dead in this day and age? Bobi Wine would release a beef song attacking him. The song would be titled; kiwani.
But I doubt Jesus would ever make it to the cross as a Ugandan celebrity. Civil servants being in charge of the crucifixion, someone would definitely steal the nails. Another would use the wooden cross as firewood. We would be left with no option but to give Jesus bail.
One thing is certain, if Jesus was a Ugandan celebrity, he would be accused of many things. He would make the headlines on all the popular tabloids. He would be denied. No one would even believe in him being the son of God. Many would brand him; “illuminati.” Who the heavens calls themselves the light of the world?
It’s amazing to imagine what would happen if Jesus was a Ugandan celebrity? Would Zari trap him too? By using anointing oil on his feet and rubbing his feet with her long Brazillian weave? Would he ever attend concerts? Would he be involved in fights? Think about Jesus as a Ugandan celebrity. What would he do differently? Would you believe in him as a son of God? Or would you think he’s a psychopath? Blessed Good Friday.