CASH BRO: He just emerged from nowhere and before we knew it, Bryan White was the talk of town. Although he claims to want no attention, we have seen many of his kind.
What a year it has been! Ugandans worked harder this year than ever before to bring unknowns into the limelight.What would 2017 have been without the sensational Abiriga teasing us with questionable morals and ill-fitting yellow Kaunda suits? Probably would have been a dull year. And just when we thought we had been cured of the Abiriga epidemic for good, another scourge in the breath of Bryan White surfaced. This one came without symptoms and settled in our mouths like one of those random ulcers. People are discussing Bryan White aka Brian Kirumira everywhere.
But Ugandans need to chill honestly. How did this guy come out of nowhere to enter Kampala jazz just like that? I thought we had seen the last of money splashing tycoons. Mbu he is kinda different. Bryan White has been in the news apparently for his philanthropic ways of giving money to the poor, helping the sick but questioned about his intentions. People have been wondering why his help feels like a reality TV show, complete with cameras flashing and “fake tears”. Is it for showbiz? Hmm we shall soon find out. Anyway, if you wanna be the next Bryan White, read my manual.
Be Charitable
It is hard to trust a skinny guy who is charitable. Like dude, go buy yourself a rolex first before you show up at our door asking to help us. Just like we trust a fat chef with our food, our help should also come from someone who looks like he needs no help. Call it backward thinking, we call it intuition. Bryan White does not give us that comfort. But truth be told, he has been up and about giving money to charities while some of us have been saving up excuses to give our folks when we return to our villages for Christmas. There is no money in the economy.
Call us for fundraisers and we shall stay away like bushwar rebels. Money has become a rumour so who does this chap think he is to go around splashing money? Well it is his money and he can choose how best he spends it.
To be like Bryan White, you can use this festive season to give out goodies to the needy, the sick and the helpless. For once, cut down the budget of alcohol you sink into livers of slay queens for a good cause. Surprise yourself by just being good, at least before the year ends.
Lights, Camera, Action
Bryan White loves a good camera angle that is for sure. I think this comes from settling in Mityana for long. You cannot get used to these things. Bryan is not about to let some good camera angles slip without taking a shot. Charity is a ceremony. In fact, it is an event, complete with tents, music and an MC. Bryan White does not do it low key. He cannot spend Shs150m in charity for you guys to simply ignore him.
If you are desperate for money, be smart enough to carry your video cameras before you meet him. The world will have to know who Bryan White is and how he rescued your sorry loins from poverty.
If you want to be like Bryan White, aid has to be amplied. Do you ever see UN help people in secret? Those miserable friends and siblings who jam your calls for “a ka loose 10k” will have to understand that the game has changed. The game is streaming live and the whole neighbourhood will soon learn that their beloved daughter borrowed money for a quick weave fix. Let them know it is nothing personal. You are simply raising awareness and ensuring accountability.
Be flamboyant
These so called tycoons always want to make a statement with the way they look and how they live. It is illegal to look normal. You need a flashy car, expensive jewellery or groupies hanging off your back. Bryan White chose to cover himself in tattoos and boy oh boy. Dude turned out like a washed and rinsed Wiz Khalifa. And who remembers the picture with a journalist holding a phone to his ear? Like really, is this what money does to people?
Well, to be like Bryan White, be rich enough to hire people to hold phones to your ear as you speak. You should also have tattoos scattered all over your body but make sure not to look like a badly-done zebra crossing. Announce yourself with every move that you make. Do this when your bank balance is healthy. You cannot start wanting to live like December when your account looks like January. Know your lane abeg.
Well there you are, go be like Bryan White.
Twitter: @InK_era35
editorial@ug.nationmedia.com
